One might wonder why a professed celibate is writing on sex and sexuality.  After all, isn’t this kind of out of my element?

Well, a couple of things first.  Sexuality and intimacy are not just genital.  This is being realized and comprehended more and more in the development of psycho-sexual understanding.  The desire for intimacy, relationship, communion, creativity and living passionately are all part of the human makeup and are also linked into sexuality.  Professed celibates promise to forego marriage and therefore the possibility of a committed relationship with another person thus denying, for the sake of the Kingdom, genital expression of intimacy and love.  But these other components are not meant to be denied nor cut off from the celibate’s life.  Therefore the celibate can talk authentically about intimacy and relationship as well as communion, creativity and living life passionately.  In fact, the challenge and calling of the celibate is to fully live these dimensions while foregoing the genital expression of sexuality.  Further, I would add that the celibate has a needed and unique perspective to share.

My second thought comes out of this unique perspective that the celibate has and it is specifically an awareness that comes out of negation.  Authentic knowledge does not come just from participation but also negation.  Here, I would like to use a comparison.  

A number of people reading these words have probably gone on a diet at one time or another or have participated in some form of fasting from food.  My experience when I go without food (and I do not believe that I am unique in this) is that it is exactly when I go without that I realize how deeply – often on a subconscious level – food has an influence and even control in my life.  One day when I was fasting I was travelling and therefore walking through an airport terminal; now I had been in terminals hundreds of times prior to this but it was on this day that I first really came to see how food (in a plethora of options) is thrown at the traveller in these terminals.  Food is everywhere in the airport terminal and it often works on a subconscious level!  My experience this day in the terminal allowed for this (at that time) new awareness of how food operates in life and it was the fasting that provided the context for this awareness to come forth. 

In fasting one starts to realize how food can operate on a variety of levels in life, i.e. as a coping mechanism to deal with stress, loneliness or anger.  This is more on the negative side of things.  But, also one becomes more aware of the positive dimensions of food; i.e. the value of a leisured non-rushed simple meal or the experience of joy that comes from a wonderful meal shared with friends where relationship is also nourished.

Using this common example of dieting or fasting as a basis and recognizing the authentic knowledge acquired through negation, it can then be said that the renunciation which the celibate undertakes in regards to sexual expression also leads to an authentic and valid knowledge about the dimensions of sex and how it also operates in our lives (often unconsciously) both negatively and positively.  You start to see how sex can and is used in our day as a coping mechanism for such things as stress, loneliness and pain.  You also gain a greater awareness and regard for the truly positive nature of the authentic sex act as a unique union of two persons that connects with the very mystery of creation itself and bringing forth new life. 

So, I believe that the celibate does have a unique perspective and authentic knowledge to share regarding sex and sexuality. 

With all this being said I would like to share some insights that I have gained regarding sex and sexuality in our culture. 

“We are a nation that is addicted to sex.”  This was an insight shared by Msgr. Steven Rosetti in our recent summer priest gathering for the Knoxville and Nashville dioceses and I am in full agreement.  “Addiction” is a heavy word and it is not used lightly.  Addiction by its very definition implies both a serious lack of control and also limited to no true freedom in choices that are made.  This addiction must be acknowledged as well as the factors that promote “sexuality as addiction” and the use of sexuality as a coping mechanism.  Also, the powers that benefit from sex as addiction need to be brought to light and held accountable.  Sex sales; there is money to be made in sex as addiction – a great deal of money in fact.  It seems to me that one of the primary sins behind the selling of sex in our day – that needs to be ranked in there with impurity and the objectification of the human person – is just plain old-fashioned greed.

The addiction to sex in our culture and time has a particular voyeuristic strain to it.  We all buy into this.  Whether it is the lone figure slipping into the peep show or society being amused by the latest indiscretion of a political figure, clergyman or celebrity.  We fixate on this.  Pornography is an epidemic in our time whether it is visual (appealing to men) mainly via the internet or verbal (appealing to women) via gossip and “romance” novels.  I believe that this voyeuristic strain to our culture’s addiction to sex has something to say about a deep isolation being experienced in our society.  We are cut off from one another and this is becoming even more so.  We want relationship but we do not know how to go about it.  We want connection with others yet we substitute this with fixation and fantasy.

In one form or another in my sixteen years as a priest I have been involved in ministry with youth and young adults (i.e. parish and diocesan youth ministry, high school chaplain, college chaplain) and I have come to believe that America has an unhealthy fixation on the high school and early college years.  Take some time and just consider currently how many TV shows, how many movies, how many books and articles are devoted to these years – often with a voyeuristic slant and connotation.  I have been in both settings and believe me it is neither that epic nor filled with the deep angst as often portrayed by Hollywood and society.  Just because young people are forced to appear adult (which means sexual) by society that does not mean they are adults nor are they sexual.  They are kids.  They are young people.  The rest of society needs to get a clue and move on with life and let our young people be young people.  When I hear adults encourage young people to enjoy these years because they are the “best years of your life” I shake my head and think how particularly sad a statement that is.

Success does not always equal personal integration.  We cannot seem to get this through our heads as a nation.  Time and time again we are shocked with the revelation of the latest sexual undoing of an otherwise very successful figure in society (i.e. Gov. Schwarzenegger, Congressman Weiner – the two most recent examples in the political theater but there are ministerial and other societal examples as well).  At the root of these undoings, it seems to me, is the unwillingness to look within and really be serious about the inward and introspective journey.  These figures may have been very successful on the outside but obviously they were being chased by some inner demons that were never confronted.  Maybe these examples can help call for a redefining of what true “success” in the human life really entails.

Do not look for prophets among the therapeutic set.  We are a therapeutic society but the therapeutic by its very structure does not contain the charism of prophetic witness.  The therapeutic does not necessarily ask if the societal context is either wrong or good rather it seeks to give the client the skills needed to navigate and even prosper in the given context.  But what does it mean to “prosper” if the given context is unhealthy?  For example, (in an addictive context that promotes uninhibited sexual expression as the norm) it is very easy to begin to view celibacy, modesty and virginity as deviant, repressive and unhealthy.  Is this true or is the perspective more of a reflection of the current and unexamined bias of society? 

Yes, there is certainly a healing value to the therapeutic in situations of life but the therapeutic cannot authentically judge societal contexts – that is outside of its purview.  If it does attempt to do so then it is fair to question if it is overreaching its bounds.  This does not mean that there is not a place for authentic judgement and assessment (there is); it just means we ought not look to the therapeutic to do it.  Although it must be admitted that we do this all the time – just look at the self-help and therapeutic sections in any bookstore.  But it is fair to ask how far this has really gotten us and is this seemingly automatic conditioned turn to the therapeutic the only alternative available in assessing the contexts and circumstances of life?

Now, what does faith have to offer in navigating the context of sex and sexuality that we find ourselves in today?  Here are some things that I find helpful.

“Custody of the eyes.”  There is an older priest of my diocese that often uses this as a catchphrase which he learned back in his seminary training and it is just as true today as it was then.  There are some images that just cry for our attention and as soon as we look they have won.  We are not cameras, mechanisms that can look on any image whether it be sexual, violent, manipulative, etc. and remain unaffected.  What we see, what we look upon effects us and also remains within us.  Prudential judgment regarding custody of the eyes is a good thing and it also demonstrates an advanced awareness of self.  We learn that there are some paths we just do not need to go down.  In this regard I would like to offer another thought.  If what we gaze upon effects us then this is just as true for the positive as it is for the negative.  When we learn to look upon and cultivate an appreciation of true beauty then we are nourished within.  (I personally believe that religious iconography has a profound role to play in this regard.)

Humility.  Just because I find another person attractive that does not mean that the attraction is mutual.  This can be a very humbling realization.  We are not the center of the world (despite what our desires, imaginings and sometimes even voices in society tell us) nor are we God’s greatest gift to creation.  We are one creature in a whole creation given us by the Creator and this is a good thing.  I can learn to enjoy what I have been given and let others things just pass on by.

Prayer, fasting and almsgiving – they are not just for Lent anymore.  There is a profound value to these tried and true spiritual practices as noted in the example of fasting above.  These practices move us beyond a myopic view of self and help us glimpse the truly larger context of life.  It is worthwhile to continually develop these spiritual disciplines throughout all the seasons of our lives.

Modesty remains a virtue even when it is derided by some corners of society.  I find that modesty rather than being a sign of prudishness is in fact a witness to ones sense of self-worth and dignity.  We are not just physical beings and this is not just a material world, sorry Madonna and your latest personification: Lady Gaga.  We are body, mind and spirit – each one of us.  Modesty safeguards this true understanding of the human person.  I have great respect for the person who cultivates modesty in his or her life.   

Community and service.  We crave relationship and communion.  This is a need that is hardwired into our very makeup.  There seems to currently be a development in the theological understanding of what it means to be made in the image of a God who is a communion of persons.   I think that this will prove very beneficial not just for a deeper understanding of God but for a deeper understanding of ourselves and how relationship is at the root of who we are.  I believe it to be very important to seek both community and ways to serve in life and both of these can prove to be helpful buffers against the hypersexualized context of our times.

Humor, which is closely tied to humility.  We need to laugh at ourselves sometimes and this includes all the dimensions of life – including the sexual.  Our particular attractions, foibles and neuroses in things sexual can be quite entertaining.  Laughter is indeed a medicine and it can be a gift that really alleviates any oppressive weight.  It is okay to laugh and chuckle every now and then.

I hope that this is helpful.  I do not pretend that these thoughts are in anyway exhaustive in any sense nor the end of the discussion. 

Just the musings of one celibate as he ponders the context in which we live and the signs of the times.